so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
