I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
