forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
