3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
