you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
