He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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