I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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