Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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