I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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