Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Someone signed my nipple.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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