gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
