sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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