I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he quoted the bible to break up with me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize