Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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