Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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