do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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