Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
