Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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