I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
