I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
