Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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