I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
