Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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