sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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