i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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