I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize