How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
