fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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