I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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