I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
