if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
