So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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