Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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