If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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