She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
