running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
