she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
