i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize