I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
