I think I won the penis lottery.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm always down for nudity.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
