go do what you do best...puke behind churches
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
