I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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