When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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