I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
