I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
