At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
