i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
