my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
