remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
