Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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