how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
