apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My feet surprised me
Randomize
