My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
