I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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