my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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