also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
