I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I stole a fireplace last night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
