Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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