One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
