hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
