She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
