Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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