doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
