Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
