dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just want to make out with him forever
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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