Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
